Mike Carroll

It does seem to have been a long time since I last updated this thing. I'm home in Colorado on vacation, can't sleep, and no one on earth that I wish to talk to is awake or available to talk right now so this was the most obvious choice.

I can't sleep for a few reasons, one being the main reason and the rest being either "self searching" or a direct result of the main reason.

Before this gets any more indirect and boring I think I'll go ahead and explain: I was lying down for a short time thinking that I really should be pretty happy right now. Life isn't going perfectly or anything, but everything seems to be in relative order and there's no devastating happening hanging over my head, which is the case more often than I'd like. No, I think that based on basic needs I'm relatively secure. I have physical needs covered by the Army as far as food, shelter, etc... My mental needs are being sustained through reading, video games, and a whole lot of self-indulgence. Finally my social needs are pretty well kept, I think, which is always relieving. I did leave a few really good friends in Korea, but it helped to know that there are still people at home who have always been there and, based on how much they've put up with so far, will always BE there. I'm thinking a lot about the future too and it uncharacteristically DOESN'T frighten me. I am definitely going to college when I'm out of the Army for four years. I'm going to major in English and I pretty much know where I want to end up in life.

"Ending up" is a funny way to put it though isn't it? That is obviously saying that life eventually will stop, but actually writing it in black and white makes apparent the realization that it has to end someplace in particular. Right now it bothers me to think that I have to stop anywhere, I don't even know how comfortable I am with being in the same place for four years of college. I definitely need to do something that allows me to be constantly in motion. This way, even if I figure out HOW I end up, WHERE I end up will always be up in the air. I mean this in the figurative sense as well as the physical.

I really want to tell a lot of people a lot of things. Maybe that will help me sleep easier?

***********
To the Korea Friends:
I went through a very big life change in Korea. A lot of people know the before and after, but my friends here in Colorado weren't around for the actual change. From my teenage marriage to being able to say stuff like "My ex-wife" at nineteen years old. From Nick and Clay's "breakdown stage" to being in a social situation without peeing in my own mouth out of nervousness(actually happened). From being a greasy dweeb who scoffed at the sheer sight of beer to being the sexiest nerd to ever "sip on some syzurp."

I feel I owe a lot to a lot of people for showing me that I don't owe anybody shit.

Really, thank all you guys for the weirdest friendships I've had so far, for puking on the American Flag, for putting up with my bitch drink phase, for telling me I'm an idiot, for making me drink beer, for not laughing when my jokes made no sense, for not playing dungeons and dragons with me, for laughing BECAUSE my jokes made no sense, for teaching me guitar, for calling me a quitter, and for not taking a dump in my mouth.

Thanks Nick, Ryan, Brennan, Clay, Graf, Kelly, Lillard, Kevin, and Steve.

*******************

To my Colorado Friends:
Like I said before, I am amazed that I still have friends in this state after pretty much disowning every one of you for a year and then joining the Army because I knocked up a girl none of you liked in the first place. You all really had a lot of patience with me and even as it was happening wasn't sure if I would be capable of the same if the situation was reversed. I'm still amazed that even while I was married with child you all still manage to call me the "gay one." There's nothing like being called a homo while you're on the phone being yelled at by your wife. I love you guys and you really are part of my family. I am fairly certain that I would be living in a refrigerator box(as fun as those things are, seriously) or dead if it wasn't for you guys. I know Andy J could probably have claimed me as a dependent on his taxes for 2002. The guy who owned(I won it back) my soul is responsible for a big chunk of my general attitude towards life and people. There are way too many things to thank you guys for.

Thanks Andy Jaegle, Andy Stadler, Ryan... Zack(h), Devon, Chadd, Peter, Forensics

*******************

To You:
You came along at exactly the right time and you were exactly what I needed. It still baffles me that my strange mix of confidence and self-consciousness appealed to you somehow. I don't think you realize the impact you had on me. You told me what I was capable of, actually TOLD me. I was at a standstill in my life where a lack of goals meant I was never disappointed, which was a terrible way to think. You would make me feel like I was too good for the proverbial "this", but would always tell me when I was being stupid. I have never felt more determined than when you would actually seem angry with me that I wasn't already more than what I was. I haven't ever felt more consistently connected with someone. For a while there I felt like I could do no wrong, but still you somehow managed to bring me back to earth when I was being too cocky. There were times where I was frustrated with how things were. I know I was furious on more than one occasion, but you have never strayed from EXACTLY who you said you were. You were even consistent in your unpredictability. You ALWAYS saw me as naive, I know this, but I'm not completely full of shit. I'm not a smart man, but I do know what love is. You were wrong to think that I was so "obsessed" because you were the best out of a poor variety...because you're the best out of a wide variety. It is wrong to ever think that you didn't deserve me...because we deserve each other. It was preposterous for you to think that anything I said I felt for you could have possibly been said to any other girl if you hadn't come along. You really are one of a kind...meaning I can never replace you.

Not to mention you actually play video games..and not JUST The Sims. To the coolest broad I've ever met.

I love you Denise.
***********************

I am ready for bed.

You can't bahumbug this holiday lover, no siree borb. I am one Christmas lovin fool, shit jeah. I a friends post today and had to write a post arguing it. The person in question made some very arbitrary points that in no way proves that Christmas blows nuts...let's review shall we?

One point made was that it was freezing cold outside and you need to apply a lot of lotion to your skin.
***uh oh, cold weather. I'm not a big fan of the cold myself, but if you don't like the snow then you don't need to play around in it. Yes, it does suck to shovel snow and driving in slush and dangerous conditions, but that's not nearly enough to make one hate the holidays. I can possibly agree that winter sucks for the average person, but not if you snowboard, ski, snowmobile, ice skate, snow polo, sled, cross country ski, do donuts in icy parking lots with your car, or happen to prefer eating snow. Winter itself has it's ups and downs. Plus if you're clumsy enough to slip and fall on some ice it's your bad, i do it all the friggin time and you don't see me complainin. Old people have a knack for it too. I call it population control. Also, lotion is for sissies. I usually apply chapstick to my entire body. You smell minty and taste great.
*********

Maybe I'm a big softy. Maybe I had it too good growing up. Hell, we were poor, but who wasn't? (rich people) We got a shit ton of small presents every year. I believed in Santa till I was 19 and the day after Christmas every year I start thinking about the following one. I remember drawing up complicated floor layouts of our apartment as a kid, using my brother as bait, and waiting behind my bedroom door while looking through the crack trying to get a glimpse of Saint Nyuka. Last year here in Korea I spearheaded a "Like Home" Christmas in my room. I bought a tree and lights, bought countless 99 cent toys and random doodads, and invited everyone I saw. I wanted everyone to be able to open something so i wrapped everything and just had extra shit for people who showed up unannounced. It turned out being really nice except I almost had to work that day, didn't get any pictures of ANYONE opening presents, and not a whole lot of people shared my enthusiasm. That's the great part of Christmas though...maybe it's just me and I'm not an especially optimistic person, but something about that time of year brings out the best in me. I ended up NOT having to work, wrapped an empty box of coke cans so I could get pictures of people opening SOMETHING, and there were probably about 8-10 people in and out of the room that morning. Most of us got piss drunk, Two other guys passed out in mine and Nick's(roomy) bed. The best part of the evening was that I stayed up most the night talkin to a sexy broad named Denise who I became pretty close with. Christmas friggin rizocks my neezy.

If I lived in Whoville I would punch the grinch in the god damned face and say, "Shut up you biggity bitch, it's friggin Christmas!"

I told you I'd do it, and I did...

( Cat...Woman...CatWoman )

You scored as Pride. </td> Pride 94% Lust 69% Envy 56% Gluttony 56% Wrath 50% Sloth 50% Greed 25% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

Yep, that sounds about right...maybe a little more lust is needed...no, no...that's about right.

Announcement:

I'm going to be CatWoman for Halloween...

Expect Pictures.

It's ok to feel lost as long as you have are actively trying to find your way. Too often people feel like they have nothing going for them or have no drive or feel hopeless and do absolutely nothing about it. Doing nothing only fuels the hopelessness. This much is obvious I think.

How many people actually know what they want to do when they are old enough to speak and stick with it for the rest of their lives? Not many. Until I was 13 or 14 I wanted to be a doctor, perhaps a surgeon of some sort. Little Mikey wanted to be a famous doc with a Harvard degree. I would run around with a Harvard sweatshirt my mom bought at a yardsale. She had high hopes for me and I ate up every bit of our collective dreams for my future. I was always told I was smart, I even felt smarter than the other kids in grade school. I remember crying when I got my first C in sixth grade. I soon realized that I had no desire to dedicate my life to being a doctor. If I could inject the knowledge of healing into my brain and work at a hospital so I could live up to the expectations I forced on my family...I'd go for it, but I didn't have the drive or passion for the topic that would require me to be a great doctor. Hell, I don't even like medicine. Robitussin is the only thing I use and that's for a completely different purpose.

The goal then is to find something that we are willing to work for. Some people are motivated by another person or people. Sometimes it doesn't matter what it is, but they drive themselves to succeed at it because they are trying to provide or impress or be loved. Most of us just need to find something that we are willing to work for. Consider the neccessary sacrifice and decide if the ends justifies the means.

This is all too obvious for anyone, all I'm doing is saying what we all already know and boring my readers at the same time. The real trick I think is not to settle for something if you can help it, but to make sure you do not use "NOT SETTLING" as an excuse. Hopefully you're not one of those all too many that can't find something they love and are just to lazy to make anything happen.

I'm going to teach english and drama...most definitely forensics and debate though. If you are uncertain about your future try this little excercise: List your three favorite things in the world and at least one has to be productive or helpful to someone else. Then leave your list in my comments box and I will give you a list of possible occupations that would excite you.

Here's my list:
1. Being the center of attention
2. Teaching
3. Masturbating

Possible occupations:
Actor, Village Idiot, School Teacher, Sperm Donor, Boxing Announcer, Street Performer, Terrorist, and my fantasy of teaching at a university and holding monthly seminars titled "How to Give a Proper Hand Job."

Here's a collection of lyrics I found on my compy. I wrote the majority of this during a 30 minute brainstorm the night I was asked to be Way Gone's lyricist. It's slightly tinkered with for grammar and spelling purposes, but it's pretty much untouched. A lot of it is terrible, some of it I'm kind of fond of...I guess I just wanted someone to read them so feel free. I'm not much of a poet, especially when the topic is serious, but I can limerick like a mutha fucka.
( For the eyes of a friend )

I had a good weekend up north with my female partner in crime.

All in all...I can't complain.

I don't know...

I won $60 in poker tonight, hung out with some good people then decided to go out. Went out by myself expecting to see the usual crowd, but no one was to be found. I looked around one of the usual places and saw no familiar faces, at least no one I was particularly interested in talking to. I got some food then saw Jim, he bought me a drink and I went to play pool and he took off. So I'm hangin out with some contracters twice my age who like talkin shit to the kid, but what do you know? That kid just smacked your asses at pool and won 20 more dollars. I love being more than I appear.

I took off because I got bored, I couldn't get comfortable anywhere. I went back to the first bar and saw a "sorta buddy" and chatted for a bit. They wanted to karaoke it up so I called the girlies and they weren't up to it so I just hung out at the same bar for another hour or so.

If you can't already tell, this is the worst story ever. Nothing exciting or even remotely humorous. I don't know what it is. I tried to have a good time. Talked to Lauren who always lifts my spirits. I even sung "Dear Chasey Lain" in front of some strangers, and as anyone who knows me will know, nothing brightens my day like undeserved attention from random townsfolk. Still felt off. The best word for it is uncomfortable, I just didn't feel right. I just left, went home, starting typing here.

I could have easily written this post "everything seems to be falling apart, wtf?" but I felt the need to explain myself in the most long winded way I could muster. This could be for no other reason, but to prevent the use of internet abbreviation which I hate so very much. **Side note: nobody is ever ACTUALLY Laughing Out Loud**

I tried to call both Andys and my sister back home because out of anyone, they would somehow understand without knowing the situation or anyone involved. This isn't to say it's one specific thing, because it really is for no reason I can pinpoint.

I'm just so...uncomfortable.

alright, so...

Start off with a funny little story...

I'll set the scene by explaining a conversation that "Minerva" we'll call her, and I had with a group of our friends. It seems that she honestly didn't believe that if you put two cups on either end of a string that you can achieve telephonic communication. Weird right? I mean c'mon! Everybody who's seen Harriet the Spy knows that old childhood science project. Nope, this girl was in complete FLABERGASTATION. I didn't know what to make of this so I simply retreated to the never fail strategy of making fun of her. We finally convinced her it were possible, but she wanted a demonstration. At this point I simply waited for my chance to strike.

I don't know how good this will sound to an uninvolved third party, but I assure you that all present were laughing at my impromptu detriment of her intelligence.

Soon after the previously discussed conversation most of the group found themselves at Taco Bell. I got to the front, ordered for myself and my roommate, grabbed the two cups that were given to us and handed one to poor little Minerva. I said, "Minerva, Minerva, here" and made the 'put the cup to your ear' motion. She obeyed, but seemed slightly confused. I put the cup to my mouth and began saying softly, "You're really dumb, you're dumb." She responded with, "I thought you were supposed to have string. I assured her she was wrong and that she just needed to listen harder. My voice became louder as I simply repeated the same phrase over and over. Some onlooker even commented, "It's a cellular cup" to which she payed no heed. The game ended when her fiance's self control ruptured and he spewed laughter onto Taco Bell's linoleum. The jig was up and she seemed deeply offended.

The hazing followed her the rest of the night, some comments included "She must have thought it was a cordless." and "I think all the other cups on the stack were interfering with the signal." Nearly every face was sore from laughter, except mine of course because one should never laugh at one's own jokes. I'll admit though, It was impossible to not laugh at least a few times throughout the night.


I like how I can make a "Little Chuckle Story" that should last 5 minutes into a 12 hour read. So what did you think of the story, scale of 1 to 10. There's three categories...

Comic Value -How funny was the story
Story Telling -Did you like the way it was told, too much, too little, too redundant, too cocky?
Mike Shut-up-titude -A 1 means I should shut up and never again try to entertain anyone, a 10 means you urinated in your own mouth from sheer enjoyment.

Please leave scores and comments as to why if you are so inclined.

Seems it been so long
Since we drank, to the sunset
Until it was dawn

Up with it came our pain and fear
As we slowly broke contact more and more,
With every beer, and

We passed out in eachother's arms...
Both admitting we'd never felt better,
Never felt so warm

But awoke in eachother's eyes
Without wearing a stitch of clothing
We were both deeply in disguise

I have no idea why i just typed that out. In all honesty it has nothing at all to do with my own life situation, but I started this entry with "Seems it's been so long" and since that's the first line of that song it made me think of it so I just kept typing. I love the song though, really well written. Alkaline Trio word up son.

Sorry about last time, I got a very important phone call as I was typing, I believe I was trying to explain the concept of vertigo. The explanation I like best is that it's not exactly the fear of heights of the fear of falling, more like the fear of yourself. Think of a fear of a lack of self-control. When you were young has anybody ever gotten too close to a burning stove, realized it was too hot, pulled away, and then wondered if you could get a little closer? You obviously know you shouldn't, but maybe you can take it or maybe it's not gonna hurt...

It's completely irrational I know, but it's absolutely terrifying. It's happened to me several times in my life, more times than I can count, one specifically involving tin foil and cavities...

Think of looking over a ledge and getting sick to your stomach, even if you're not afraid of heights. Try thinking about what it would be like to fall, or even...what would it be like to jump? Maybe you come to the point where you're actually considering it...

It's not frustration. It's not depression. It's definitley not a desire to die. I have felt the exact feeling and it's like some kind of (and I'm going to be sort of cliche here) internal struggle AND cycle combined. The part of me that is smart tells the questionable side that he's stupid and should remove himself with a screwdriver, but somehow it feels like the dark side is winning because he keeps asking, "What if though? What if?"

Retarded? I know. That's all I have to say right now, time to play some hold 'em.

The subject of this entry is a little misleading. I really don't have lots to write right now as I'm sitting down to write this. I'm hoping my thoughts will drop onto the screen as I move my fingers over my keyboard. I know, I know, it sounds like forced cryptic cheese, but I am at a loss for...words. Yeah, words.

I'm supposed to write something deep with a humorous twist or something humorous with a meaningful underlying right?

I just had a good conversation with Lauren during which I tried to explain the concept of vertigo...a feeling that was perfectly explained in The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. This specific human observation stuck with me specifically because I know that it has frightened me in the past. It is not the fear of falling, that's far too simple. Try and think of the feeling when you look over the edge of a building and get scared even when you aren't scared of heights. I........phone call, gotta go.

Drive yourself insane tonight.
It's not that far away,
and I just filled up your tank earlier today.


Remember that shit man? How do we look so much younger...that was only like a year ago.


Damn, even Wheatley looks younger...it must be the hair...and did he lose weight? He's got some crazy baby fat here.


We may be temporarily splitting up our physical bodies, but the butt sex legacy will live on eternally.

Damn it Nick...

I have been thinking of what to write all friggin week, but nothing good ever came so now I'm rushing this the night before you leave...I'll just do what you always told me to do during those lonely nights in Room 414, "Just let it come Mike, don't fight it, it's totally natural." So here I go then:

You said you refuse to say goodbye, well the feeling is mutual. Ryan told us right before he left that this group was too good to split up and he's right on. I'm not gonna get gay on you, but you know as well as I do that I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for your unorthodox initial befriending (a.k.a the break down stage) and your blunt advice. If I came to you with a problem half the time I would leave the conversation more lost than before because you give the obvious solution I hadn't thought of...and I would still usually ignore it. That's a good thing though you see. You always provided a new perspective. "New" isn't the right word though, it's more like an ADDITIONAL perspective...an idea I wouldn't have thought of otherwise and that made me better. I don't fuckin know. I realize I'm rambling...that's one thing no one can cure I think. I'm pretty sure I'm not making a lot of sense so I think it's easiest just to say "See you soon.

Real Quick Question because I am really curious...

How many of you have ever...EVER...used the bottle/can opener bizzarly attached to toenail clippers?

I really want to know because my thought is that, sure, a bottle opener is a nice keychain, might come in handy with the drinkin crowd right? But, this tool is PRIMARILY A TOENAIL CLIPPER. C'mon now, only creepy people have a pair of toenail clippers for a keychain, seriously. How often do you need to clip your toenails?

"They're not just for me, what if someone else needs them?"
If anyone tells me that I will punch them in the throat. For one, eww. For two, who has EVER asked you, "Hey man, you got any toenail clippers on ya?" I mean, people ask ME that all the time and you know what I tell them?
"Eww, the only thing creepier than a guy with a toenail clippers keychain is the guy askin to use my toenail clippers keychain...get outta here, you're givin me the jibblies."

Just to give the full effect...



As you can see, a good size pair of toenail clippers with a handy file on the little lever there for grooming purposes. Then you have a small pull out knife for those pesky in-growns. Finally, of course, is the unexpectedly convenient bottle opener for those fraternity slumber parties where you all gather in a circle, clip eachother's toenails, and the last one done opens all the beers.

Hmm...that actually sounds kinda fun.

Alright mo fuckaz, that's right, I'm talkin to you. I've decided that I'm going to release an album. I've got mixed reactions about this idea and it's going to be tricky, but I think it can be successful at least on a personal level, regardless of the money i will not make. I got a friend, who I haven't talked to about this yet, who has recording equipment and the ability to play guitar exceptionally well. I'm going to abuse his talent and recources to make the album that I will affectionately call Ostrich Factory.

The thing about the album is that it will all be completely improvised. The music, the instrumentals, and especially the lyrics. I'm going to have a different style of music for each song and I'm going to "invent" the lyrics as I go along based on a predetermined title. The titles of the songs I'll be getting from all of my friends, one title for each person. I have it all written down in my room, but here are a few I can remember...I'm also going to include the toaster song and banana cock in the album.

1.Toaster Song
2.Banana Cock
3.Pubes of Crimson(Wheatley)
4.Gastric Ass-id'd(Denise)
5.I Hate You More Than I Hate Myself(Nick)
6.I Love You, Like a heart attack? (Aimie)
7.(Andy Stadler to be determined)
8.(Andy Jaegle to be determined)
9.(Peter Cacek to be determined)
10.(To be determined by my brother Dylan)
There's going to be 12 songs total so after that I'll take 2nd suggestions and ask random people. I'm going to try and do it in one day, but realize that it might be very difficult for there may be a stream of redundancy so I may need to take a break for a couple days after the first sitting. I will be sending a copy home to all my friends and family members as well as distributing it here.

I don't have much else to say right now, I'll try to update again today if I have time, but we'll see. Later Masturbaters(in other words "Later...me")

I'm going through a life change very soon. I think we all know what that means. I will be doing the Robot in several different ways this coming weekend. I'll be thrilled that Aimie will be joining us. I haven't told Nick yet, but he always agrees.

Denise helped me a lot last night, thanks for that. After the initial shock and then moping took place I was cool, still am cool. The only thing that bothers me for serious is Ms. Dikeville. I don't really know how to talk to that kind of person, mostly because you can't talk to her. It's a long story, one that I will probably be telling a lot, but I don't want to, I don't know. I end up back in Charlie Co, big flippin deal, it's not a bad place. I stay in HHC, whatever, I don't have to change rooms, I'll just go with the flow until I leave and try and enjoy myself like I have been. I really don't have much else to say right now. I think maybe I'll tell a story if I can think of one.

Um...

Yeah, after a good 5 minutes of thinking I got nothin...

Oh, here we go, this story is dumb and short...

When I was about 2 years old my brother was born. I knew how to walk already and I was a big ham according to my mom, My brother was trying to learn how to stand some months later and we both would be in the crib together. Well I would be standing there trying to get attention and Dylan would grab the bars and attempt to pull himself up to a standing position. It seems that being the jealous dude that I am I didn't like him stealing the spotlight and would constantly shove him back to the bottom of the crib. Apparently this greatly delayed his learning to walk because, according to my mother, he was terrified to stand.

When I was given the idea to check "where I was" a year ago I was thinking something like "Let's see what hilariousness I was coming up with a year ago." or "What words of wisdom did I bestow on the populace?" or "Let me check my archives for that groundbreaking cancer research development." I had no idea that I would be flung, foot first, straight into my own mouth. I was and still am quite the little dweebazoid. My journal entries from a year ago are long, drawn out, well thought, piles of doody. There's the whole Miklaynic thing. That started up about a year ago this time. As much as it fills me with pride to re-live those memories of Clay, Nick, and I inventing our own non-religion...I still realize that perhaps, JUST PERHAPS Miklaynic was a little extreme. I still stand by some of the core beliefs i.e. independence, accountability of actions, cause and effect, steaming hot sex, wine drinking, and basically keeping a constant forward motion. The rest was more or less fluff used as propaganda and to pick up chicks.

I was also a steaming pile of emotion about a year ago. I didn't even realize it at the time, but the 15th of June was the anniversary of my separation from marriage. It's funny huh cuz I remember on that specific day the only thing I noted was that it was my "I'd be 30 days away from leaving korea if I hadn't extended" day. It doesn't mean that my personal annexation of nuptials isn't worth celebrating, cuz believe me, IT IS. Just ask ANYONE who was courageous enough to be my friend and stay my friend during that two year period. It just showed me how little it means to me now. I mean, I still remembered my silly daughter's birthday, I still remembered the day I joined the Army, hell I still remember the day I got my first wart...all more important to me than the aforementioned anniversary.

It's just crazy looking back at what I was and reading recent entries and seeing major differences. Also seeing similarities though. I read a couple and thought my humor had matured some, but nope...I found that I had made the same joke concerning hyphens almost exactly a year apart. I have changed though. I remember getting excited about and then posting pictures of my fancy new clothes that Clay helped me pick out. I laughed as I read the little emotional posts I'd write when my feelings were hurt or when I ate my own parents in a bowl of chili and RadioHead called me a little cry baby.

I don't know. I feel like I've changed a lot in just a year and I know that I have, I've done a lot of transforming. Since I was born I was always the one with the incredible physical looks. My mother, my sister, my aunts...they'd all tell me how handsome I was. I only recently discovered how to use those looks to my advantage. I feel like I'm a little more lost now, which isn't really a bad thing. I think this is a good time in life to NOT KNOW what is ahead of me. I do have goals to strive for, but I have a lot of great and painful shit in the future and it's very exciting. I'm young and inexperienced and still I've been fortunate and unfortunate enough to have already had experiences that have made me who I am. I don't have a point to this...I'm desperately trying to think of a good conclusion to this paragraph, but before it gets too long and redundant, I'll just stop where I am.

Slow motion moving...BAH!

Sometimes my entries are better when I have nothing to write about. I'm not really forcing myself to write anything because I'm not sure how many people check my thing and I don't really have a lot of demand. I also don't have a lot to say right now that I think is very profound or meaningful. Mainly I am just enormously bored at work and waiting for friggin lunch so let's see what comes of it. First thing that pops into my head...go...

Um, when I was four years old I remember being really ill. I was at my Grandmother's house because we were living there at the time. We would stay there a couple months at a time because we were piss poor, which was awesome, and Nana had a lot of rooms at her place. So anyways, I remember being very un-well in the tum tum region(stomach that is)and I was poopin up a four year old storm(that is to say that it was quite the storm for a four year old, not that the storm was actually four years old). I was sitting in Nana's downstairs bathroom toilet with my pants around my ankles and I distinctly remember looking at the light on the ceiling.

This is significant for two reasons:
One is that this is the day I found out that if I eat a penny...It will end up in my poop. Yeah, pretty awesome. I think I experimented with this a few times later in my childhood, but I remember the person who told me and where she told me....Aunt Cheryl in the Kitchen with the Penny! I don't know why poopin pennies is significant to a four year old, but it has stuck with me since.

Second reason is that looking up at that light is my earliest memory. I don't know how many people can pinpoint their earliest memory distinctly, but this is mine. I've heard some people say that they have memories from 2 or 3 years old even, but aside from random answers like "There was one Christmas when I was real young and I opened the wrong present and my mom told me her new dildo was an action figure with cool vibrating action." I haven't really heard a lot of people say they can remember something specific and yet painfully arbitrary.

Ok, for being the first thing I could think of I guess that wasn't too bad, my updates have been pretty sporadic, but I'll try to update more often.

This is the list I stole from Andy, I'm assuming the point is to give two of your own definitions to each of the words. Although Andy's were good I'm not going to use any of them so that they are a little more original, so I apologize if the answers don't seem as obvious as they probably should be

Unique:

1. Standing out in a crowd
2. Having an extra 21st chromosome, or a man wearing a dress.

Hunger:

1. Duran Duran (you know, Hungry like the wolf)
2. Your body or mind telling you that you need something.

Hope:

1. A hunger for something usually beyond your control
2. Like how it would be REALLY AWESOME to find a sack full of money for your mother's liver operation.

Faith:

1. Reliance without definity. (I was trying to be concise without saying "Believin in God or some shit")
2. Like when you're at one of those feminine camps and the lady tells you to fall back into the crowd. You can't do it, but the lady says it's ok so you start to weep as you release all inhibitions. Kinda like that.

Good:

1. A constant Hunger or Hope that no harm will come o' yo peeps.
2. In sutable condition. Serving a desired purpose.

Love:

1. I could use a lot of the previously used words to define this...and I really only have one definition...so this disclaimer will just be definition number 1.
2. The only condition under which a human being is truly selfless. It's more rare than most think. Although most parents have this sort of love for their children, but true love without obligation(I hate to call it that) to family as in someone who is unrelated...is difficult to come by. Love is just a state of being I think, there aren't extents or levels, you can't love someone a little or a lot. You can think you are in love and not actually be in love. It's simply the willingness to assist, inspire, teach, respond to, or help someone regardless of the cost to you.

gotta go

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." -Woody Allen

Speaking of masturbation. I made a discovery recently. We've all heard that laughter is the universal language right? Well, I believe that I found another language that transcends the language barrier...Masturbation lingo. I believe that if you say certain things with certain voices in a certain way that ANYONE will understand what you're talking about. I started a conversation with an acquaintance of mine today and to test my theory I started by saying, "So I flerkin my gerkle today and the funniest thing happens." I stop there to observe and my conversational companion just nods knowingly. I begin laughing and ask, "You knew what I was talkin about man?" Looking at me like i was an idiot he says, "Of course, you mean like floggin the dolphin or somethin?" "Yes." I say, "Like floggin the dolphin or somethin." I then decided to take it to the next level and spoke with a KATUSA friend of mine. I made sure I chose one who's English wasn't EXCEPTIONAL. All of them can hold a basic conversation, but some are just better than others. I choose one with minimal skill and just jump right in, "Hey dude, I think I'm gonna head back to my room and Scoodle ga Kooble!" I was met with a blank stare and then his eyes get real big, he erupts in laughter, and responds with the world wide hand signal for jacking off, you know, like someone trying to pull an imaginary sword from their stomach with one hand in rapid succession. I was amazed. Not a single one of the three words I used can actually be considered words, certainly not "ga" and he DEFINITELY knew exactly what I was talking about. I'm going to test this further, but your homework assignment is to try this yourself on as many people as possible, the trick is to make up some words that sound like your doing SOMETHING to SOMETHING and use the voice that I like to call "Sexual Inflection" The kinda voice you hear an old man use when you say something like "Grandpa, I wanna grow up to be a Pianist!" and he responds with "HoHaHoHa, the kid wants ta be a PENIS!" You know the voice I'm talkin about.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." -Woody again.

While we are on the topic of scoodling ga kooble, I would like to share with you all some very sensitive information. Some of you will be impressed, some disgusted, some ashamed that my efforts have only brought me this far because you are masturbating gods, but you will all react with some sort of...reaction, I promise...
My current masturbation record is 6 times in one day. That's right, six magical orgasms in one 24 hour period, all produced by ol' righty. By the end my right forearm was humongous and I was walking like a penguin, but I broke my previous record of 5. My ultimate goal is to reach 10. 10 flerkins of my gerkin from midnight to midnight. I will have to work out a schedule and reserve a day that I will be mostly by myself, but I will get it done. It's like my life dream, at least the dream that is guaranteed to give you nothing, but the most pathetic bragging rights ever. Everyone has one of those right? There's the normal productive dream, then the dream that makes most people go "Oh, that sounds cool" but they really don't think it's cool AT ALL!

"My brain - it's my second favorite organ." -You guessed it.

I leave you all with a couple more of my favorite Woody Allen quotes:
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"I have never been an intellectual but I have the look."
My fav...
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through NOT DYING."

Ok, new default picture suckers, this will show up EVERYWHERE! BEST DISPLAY PIC EVER!!!